A Good Idea
by Arabella Stange
Summary: First in a series of events shown through Sirius' eyes. Sirius begs James not to make him his secret keeper, what if something went wrong?


A Good Idea

(An excerpt form the muggle newspaper the Yorkshire Post on September 14, 1987)

_Another family was found dead in their beds in Yorkshire today, this time a family of seven, the youngest child being 4 years old. The family lived in a two bedroom flat on down towns' south side, a place not exactly known for its cleanliness or excess of space. Sarah and Allen Garner lived there with their 5children for three years, Allen working at an accounting firm. The Garners were known for picking up and moving often, sometimes without notifying any of their friends or relatives, but the flat seemed a more permanent home for them, before the tragedy. The family was found by their landlady, Anna Carnette, when she came in to collect their rent. "They were all still lying in their beds," says Carnette, "They looked so peaceful and it took me a while to realize they were…" she could not bring herself to finish the sentence. It seems horrible that an entire family of innocent people should die as they sleep, a place where we are supposed to feel safe, but the "horrible thing about it," as the Yorkshire police commissioner puts it, "is that the whole of Britain is, well, getting used to it."_

_Getting used to death? Is such a thing possible? Yes, apparently it is. Death seems to be popping up all over the place, following people in the streets and up to their homes. Last month a total of 15 people died in Europe in much the same way as the Garners, with no wounds or trauma to any part of their body. Many people have been found just as Allen and Sarah were, sleeping beside each other without any hint of having been attacked. That is what the Parliament is calling them, attacks. Some people, not so lucky, were caught awake and though they also carry no injuries they have on their stone faces a look of "utmost terror that would make you scream out loud…."_

There was a swift rapping at the door. James looked up slowly and dropped his newspaper. As he stood up pieces of it scattered over the floor, catching under his feet and making him trip as he walked. Lily had gone silent at the knock, and even the baby had stopped its whimpering momentarily to listen for another. Another came. James jumped, having made it to the hall, and looked backwards at Lily. She nodded, holding the infant tight in her arms, and James stepped through the hall and to the door. Another knock, still quiet, patient. _They_ wouldn't knock, _they _would just burst right in, wands out, screaming for them not to run. He reached for his own wand, then for the door knob, and cracked open the door.

Sirius looked tired, more tired than James had ever seen him. His face had sunken slightly, leaving dark circles under his eyes that had not been there the last time James had seen him. His normally glossy hair had lost its sheen and was sticking out at odd angles from his head. And though he was smirking now, a string tugging at the corner of his lips, James did not think he would ever forget the look on his sad face just a moment ago, tight with worry, checking around himself for followers, his eyes glistening as if he were on the verge of tears. When he had heard the door open Sirius had turned, given a weak wave and whispered hello, no joy in his voice. James wanted to run forward and embrace his friend, but knew that that was taking too much of a risk, and instead could only stand, body hidden by the door, and beckon him inside.

With one last look around himself Sirius stomped through the door, his boots leaving dark mud prints on the wood floor. James knew he should be angry about this (since he had just cleaned the floors this morning), but the fact that Sirius had even made it there had put him in a good mood. He turned to him with as big a smile as he could muster and held his arms out, but the look on Sirius' face made him drop them, and they lay limp at his sides.

Sirius was angry, furious, livid. He looked around himself, at the house, the walls, floor and ceiling and then at James, his head tilted forward, making his face all the more drawn, a horrible look of angry disappointment within his eyes. He lifted a finger to say something but James cut him off.

"Don't. I don't want to hear it. You can keep your discrepancies to yourself thanks."

He should have known, really. Sirius was always one to get mad over trifles.

Sirius stepped forward, putting his face very close for James', a harsh whisper escaping his lips "James you told me, you told _Dumbledore _that you weren't going to-."

"Shove off Sirius." Said James, pushing past him into the hall. "We told the Order we would leave as soon as possible. We've tried, been trying."

"That was months ago!" Sirius jabbed a long finger into James' chest, his voice rising as he spoke "You said James! You promised, ever since you learned he was after you, you promised you would leave, find a place to hide! That was in May Potter!"

"Will you _shut up_?" James rushed forward, pinned Sirius to a wall and shook him, "Dammit, you're the one who just walked through the front door! Don't tell me about hiding!" Sirius' face twisted in an angry, but ashamed sort of way and James sighed, his thin shoulders falling and suddenly he looked very helpless. It was all that Sirius could do not to hug him, though he was supposed to be angry with him. "Look," James continued, "That _was_ in May, before Lily had the baby. We had been hoping to find a place before hand but- but it didn't work out that way. We just want to make sure he's old enough, strong enough for a move. And we want everything to be in order, so that we're not- I don't know- running around Portugal or something."

Sirius nodded, no longer able to hold his gaze, "Yeah, everything in order, th-that's what I'm here to talk to you about, getting things in order."

James released him and backed away, scratching the back of his head. "Is it? Well, what? Do you have something in mind for us? Does Dumbledore? "

Sirius put his hands in his pockets, all anger forgotten, and stared at his feet, "Right, can we-er- sit down though? Talk about it?"

"I'm expecting Moony." Said James cautiously, this was quickly becoming a gathering of wanted people.

"Are you?" Sirius gave him a sharp look, his thick eyebrows knitted together. "I won't be long then." He said and stalked off down the hall.

James followed him at a slow pace, not sure if he wanted to hear a thing Sirius had to say.

Sirius stuck his head into the living room, an anxious look contorting his features as if he were expecting to see Voldemort himself to be standing on the carpet. When he found only Lily a smile spread across his face and he stepped gingerly inside.

"I'm glad you made it Sirius." She said looking up from the small bundle of cloth she was holding, "Though I was hoping you would use the back door."

Sirius tutted, looking away from her, "They'd be expecting that, wouldn't they?"

At that moment James walked in, his shoulders hunched and he looked warily at Sirius, "Pads," he said dryly to Lily, "Has always been one for thinking like his enemies. Haven't you?"

A wicked grin flashed even in Sirius' eyes, "Only half way, since they'd be expecting that too."

The three of them chuckled, then an awkward silence fell between them.

Sirius looked around at his friends' 'digs'. It was a small place, one bedroom, no dining room. It sort of looked like it was held together by prayers. But it was only temporary, that's what James had said. Temporary. That was in May. Time passed slowly when one feared for ones life every waking moment, and it seemed like James had been there forever. And it was beginning to look like that was where he was going to stay. Sirius sighed, it was the only thing that stood between his best friend and Voldemort, a small, yellow house. A shudder racked his bones.

James sat down in the chair opposite Lily and began straightening newspaper that had been strewn on the floor. Sirius caught a headline **SEVEN DEAD BRINGS NUMBER OF DEATHS THIS MONTH TO TWELVE.** 'And that's just the muggels.' He thought desperately.

James saw his look. "And that's just the muggles," he said, straightening up.  
"I've had to stop reading the Daily Prophet because I keep seeing people I know. Knew." He sat back and stared at the floor.

"Why don't' you have a seat Sirius?" said Lily, patting a spot on the couch next to her. Sirius wanted to decline, his mind didn't want to sit, it was restless, always wanting to do something- anything. It was his body that screamed at him to except the offer, he could feel his joints creak and this bones crack as he walked and knew he couldn't keep this up much longer. So, for his body's sake , he nodded and sat down next the her.

No one said anything more for quite a few minutes, Sirius staring awkwardly at anywhere but his friends, while James and Lily seemed to have their eyes fixed on the bundle on Lily's lap. Sirius caught their fond stares and leaned sideways to catch what they were looking at. When he saw it, his eyes widened.

It was a thing. A strange little thing with green eyes and wisps of black hair all over its head. It was very pale and one of its chubby little hands stuck out of a fold in the cloth, the thumb of it in its chubby little mouth. The thing was adorable really, sickeningly adorable. And it was staring at him. It's big, round, bright green eyes were boring into him with a determined curiosity. "Who are you?" said the thing's eyes, "You are neither my mother nor my father, who are you?"

"S-Sirius Black." Whispered Sirius to the thing.

"Hm?" asked Lily, staring at him with her head tilted to one side.

Sirius sat up quickly, "Nothing," he said, "I was just telling the thi- the baby my name. In case he wanted to know."

"That's right you've never seen him before have you?" said James, leaning forward in his chair. "Well he should definitely meet you, you're his godfather after all."

Sirius nodded absently, still staring at the thing. Lily laughed at his look and tried to hand the bundle to him. "Would you like to hold him? He's almost asleep."

"Oh no I don't think-." Said Sirius leaning back and waving his hands in warning. "I- I'm not a baby person."

"Oh nonsense, he'll love you! Just take him, we trust you." Lily laid the baby gently into Sirius' lap and sat back to watch.

Sirius wrapped his hands around the top of the bundle and leaned forward, squinting at the baby as if he 'couldn't quite see it without his glasses.' In return it stared up at him in much the same way, it's little nose wrinkled and it's brow furrowed. Suddenly it reached a hand up and grabbed the end of his nose, tugging him forward. "Oomph!" said Sirius and pulled away, stunned. The baby laughed.

James was laughing too. "He's just like me isn't he? He even looks just like me."

Sirius looked down at the baby again and nodded, "Except the eyes." He said, "Those are Lily eyes."

"Yes they are." Said Lily, smiling.

James leaned forward, speaking to his son, "See Harry? That's Sirius. He's a good friend of mine, and he's your godfather. Not a bad guy either, doesn't bite or anything. Well," he added with a laugh, "Unless you have fleas."

Sirius gave a little shiver and smiled at Harry, "Nasty things fleas." He told him, "it doesn't matter what you do, they're always bloody everywhere."

Again there was silence. A light hearted one this time, but underneath there was still an uncertainty, an apprehension. The sort of silence that comes when you don't know if who you're sitting with is friend or foe.

"So," said James, checking his watch, "You… wanted to talk to us about something Sirius? Something about our living conditions I hope?"

"And I don't want to hear another word about Amos' old log cabin." Said Lily, "Who knows what the man keeps in his private residences."

Sirius nodded, but didn't look up. He didn't want to talk about his idea, didn't want anything more to do with it really. The very thought of it made him slightly queasy. He wanted to stay right where he was, staring at the little black haired thing that looked back as if he were fifty years old, wise and knowing. He wanted to stare at the boy until his eyes got tired, until he had memorized every feature and peculiarity of his infant face. Sirius had never been good with children, and couldn't ever see having any of his own, but Harry wasn't just a baby, not in these times where people were dying left and right. In these times Harry was a picture of the future, a living, breathing, gurgling sign of hope. Maybe Sirius could get through this after all.

"Right," he said after a minute, his eyes never leaving Harry's, "About that. I've- I've had an idea."

"Ooooo," said James.

"Aaahhh," said Lily.

"Piss off." Said Sirius, he tried to smile but couldn't bring his face to do it, it was too tired. Finally, he looked up at his friends, who were staring eagerly back at him, and sighed. "Yeah, um, about what we agreed in May. What with the Secret Keeping and all? Right. I um-." he sighed again. Maybe it wasn't a good idea. Maybe it was a terrible idea and he just didn't know it. What if it _was_ a bad idea and James went along with it, and something went wrong? It would be completely his fault. He shuddered.

"Oh go on Sirius. What already?"

Sirius stared at his friend with what he was sure was a pathetic look on his face, but he couldn't help it, he felt pathetic. What if something happened to James? What if he was killed, like so many members of the Order already had been? Sirius wouldn't be able to live with himself. His eyes flashed toward the hall, feeling the sudden urge to get up and run out the door. He wondered if he couldn't make it before James caught him.

'Come on Black are you a man or not?'

"Sirius?" said Lily gently. "What is it?"

"Before I need to shave again Pads, please?" added James, none too helpfully.

Sirius looked down at Harry. His eyelids were drooping slowly, his mouth open so that you could see his pink gums. "I don't think I should be your Secret Keeper," said Sirius slowly. "It's not a good idea."

"What?" They both said, very taken aback.

"What does that mean 'It's not a good idea'?" continued James, "we thought it would be perfect."

Lily was staring fixedly at a spot on the floor, her fingers touching her lips "Dumbledore had it all figured out. You would become our Secret Keeper and then go into hiding. It was a good plan Sirius. That way we were all safe."

"Well yeah but-," Sirius stumbled over his words trying to find the right thing to say, "But don't you think they'll be expecting that?"

"Oh, come off it Sirius," said James almost angrily, "You've got no idea what Voldemort would expect. Not nearly as well as Dumbledore anyway. Don't you think we should listen to _him_?"

"Dumbledore doesn't have dark wizards for a family does he? Think about it James, they know what good friends they are and when they figure out you've gone into hiding they'll come after me like I've got the key to salvation. A man can only hide so well for so long. What if they find me James? What if they make me tell them?"

"But you wouldn't," said James firmly, "You told Dumbledore that you would guard our secret with your life, 'mountain trolls couldn't drag it out of me' were your exact words. You wouldn't betray us like that."

"How do you know? How do you know what I'm capable of?"

"Pads…" said James, his voice soft. He looked away seeming deeply troubled by Sirius' distrust in himself, "Pads what are you talking about? I know because I know _you_. And you wouldn't do that. I know you wouldn't."

"Well it's good to know someone has faith." Said Sirius. He couldn't look at James anymore, couldn't bare the look on his face. He kept his eyes on Harry, Harry who would never look at him like that, as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Harry was simple, simple and impartial.

"He's amazing." He said suddenly.

"What?" James snapped, as if he'd just awoken.

"The kid, he's amazing. He's exactly like you, James. I could be anyone, _anyone_. I could be a guy from child services or- or a death eater and he doesn't care. Look at him, he's asleep! I could have come here to kill you all and he's not even afraid."

"He trusts you." Said James.

"Well why the hell does he?" Sirius yelled, making the infants eyes snap open and stare at him wonderingly. But he didn't cry, he still wasn't scared. Sirius, almost in disgust, handed the child back to Lily, stood up and began pacing the floor. "Why the hell should he trust me James? He doesn't even know me! What if I'm not to be trusted? Huh? What if I'm actually a horrible selfish person who would turn you over in second to save my own skin? How does he know?"

James was on his feet. He grabbed Sirius around the shoulders and held him there, "Stop it," he said shaking him, "Stop talking about yourself like your- like your Snape or something. Sirius you're my best mate, I've always trusted you with my life, even if it went against my better judgment. I don't see why this should be any different. You're not a traitor."

"I don't know that James-."

"Well I do. You're not going to betray us and that's that. Now quit your blubbering and come have some wine with me." James stepped back and beckoned Sirius toward the kitchen, a smile stretching his lips.

But Sirius didn't move. "I'm not blubbering James." He said so seriously that James turned around in surprise, "I don't trust myself with anyone anymore. Especially not you James, not with... all this." He looked at Lily and Harry, and at the house (it wasn't much but it was still a house). "I won't do it." He said, "I can't."

James seemed distraught. He looked over at Lily, who wore almost the exact same look of disbelief on her face. Neither of them said anything and Sirius was forced to continue.

"I… was thinking Peter should do it."

For a moment no one moved, James stood staring at him in utter confusion, his arms limp at his sides. "Peter?" he said finally, spitting the word as if it were dirt. "Why the hell would we use Peter?"

Sirius sighed, "Don't you get it James? They'd never think it was him! They'd figure no one would make Wormtail their Secret Keeper so they'd never look for him."

"Sirius," said James, taking a step closer and staring as though he'd turned green, "This is Peter Pettigrew we're talking about. He hasn't been to a single Order Meeting since December because he's too busy cowering in a hole somewhere. Not even Mundungus could bring him around. It's lunacy."

James turned away his hands in the air, but Sirius circled around him and cut him off, "Exactly James, that's exactly what I mean. Peter turns into a rat for a reason; he's an expert at hiding if it'll save his own skin. And with him as your Secret Keeper he'll try extra hard, because he worships you and all that. So even if they did look for him they'd never find him! That's what's so genius about it."

James sighed, looking at his friend's tired face, "But what about Moony? Why couldn't we use him?"

Sirius shook his head quickly, backing away, "No," he said, "no, that's taking too much of a risk too."

"_What?_ What does that mean?" James asked, throwing his hands in the air, "It's _Moony_. He'd do anything for any of us."

"No James," Sirius was breathing heavily, looking around himself. It was a bad idea. "I don't- I don't know if we can trust Remus anymore either. He's been- shifty."

"Shifty?" said James, and Sirius heard Lily laugh, "Remus Lupin, is shifty? What are you trying to say he's hiding things from us?"

Sirius nodded, "It's just like when we first met him James. When he would sneak out once a month and no body would know where he went. He was always skirting around us, trying to hide his secret- and he's doing it again. Remus has always been bullocks at lying and now he's trying to avoid us all over again. It's suspicious as hell."

James was staring at him, shaking his head in utter disbelief, mouth slightly open as if he were going to say something but couldn't find the words. "Alright then," he managed, an acidity in his voice, "No Moony. But then who, who Sirius because I'm not using Peter."

"You've got to use Peter; it's the best you've got."

"That's bullocks. I still don't see why we can't use you Pad-."

"I've already told you why you can't use me!" yelled Sirius suddenly. He looked at James, his eyebrows nit together in anger and confusion. "I won't be the one to let you down."

James tutted, folding his arms across his chest "Oh, but you'll let Peter do it."

"C'mon just _think_ about it James. We wouldn't even have to tell the Order that you switched. Then nobody would know that Peter's your Secret Keeper and you'd be safe."

"And is that what you really want Sirius?" asked James venomously, "For us to be safe?"

Sirius was taken aback. He stared at his friend, eyes flickering back and forth in uncertainty. "Of course I want you to be safe James. That's why I'm doing this, to save you."

"Yeah well I don't know as I believe that really."

Something clicked in the back of Sirius' brain. James _didn't_ trust him. James didn't trust him anymore than _he_ trusted Remus. James thought that this was all just a way to get him and Lily killed. That Sirius wanted them dead. Sirius thought he was going to keel over right there, that his heart was going to give out and that he was going to fall to the floor, lifeless, right in front of James. Suddenly that didn't seem like such a terrible thing, to just die.

There was a knock at the back door.

James' and Lily's heads turned to look at each other. Lily nodded and James left the room to answer the door. Lily stood up too, avoiding Sirius' eyes. Taking Harry with her she went into the kitchen, humming a little tune to him as she went. Her voice was shaking.

Sirius couldn't move. He just stood there on James' carpet, his whole body rigid. He felt like he couldn't breath, that a huge weight had just fallen onto his chest and was crushing him slowly. He had fought with the idea for so long, questioning his plan until his head ached. He had not known if it was a good idea or if he was making a terrible mistake, he didn't trust himself to know really. And James- James, his best mate ever, with whom he had spent years doing all sorts of outrageous things, all in the name of fun. James didn't even believe he was one of the good guys. He said he did but it was quite obvious now that he wasn't sure. And if James didn't believe him then who did? Did anyone trust him?

"Sirius?" Came a voice.

Sirius turned his head to find Remus standing in the doorway, no five feet from him, a look of utmost concern in his brown eyes. Sirius couldn't answer, he knew his face must have been contorted into some pained expression but he couldn't change it. He shook his head.

"Sirius." Remus said again rushing forward and clasping him by the shoulders. "Sirius what is it? Say something."

James walked in behind him, hands in his pockets, eyes on the ground. When he looked up it was to find Sirius, an expression like he had never seen on his face, being shaken by Remus, who looked terrified. Remus heard James' heavy foot steps and turned around, almost in anger. "What's wrong with him James?" he demanded.

James didn't know. He too ran forward to look Sirius in the eye. "Padfoot." He said slowly, Sirius looked at him as Remus let go of his shoulders and stepped back. Sirius' dark eyes were alight with intense fear and sadness, but his jaw was set in way that reminded James of the moments after someone mentioned his family, in utter hatred. James knew what was going on but had not time to step back before he was hit square in the jaw and knocked to the floor with thud.

"James!"

Remus knelt beside him, staring up at Sirius as he often did, with disapproval. Sirius looked down at the two of them, breathing deeply. "How dare you." He said to James, "How- how _dare _you think something like that. That I'm trying to hurt you."

James got to his feet slowly, followed by Remus. James was looking at Sirius as though he would very much like to punch him back, the heel of his hand massaging his jaw. But Remus was turned away from him, looking instead at James like he couldn't believe his ears. "What? James what's going on here?"

"He thinks I'm trying to kill him." Spat Sirius, his eyes never leaving James face.

Remus looked back and forth between the two of them. "What? James-."

"I don't think you're trying to kill me." James retorted, ignoring Remus' questioning.

"That's a load of shit." Sirius took a step closer, bringing his face very close to James'. "You just said you didn't trust me."

James breathed in hard through his nose, his mouth tight and his jaw working. "Well pardon, but your new proposal seemed like-."

"Seemed like what James? Like I wanted to hurt you? Like wanted to hand you over to Voldemort?"

"Well yes actually!" cried James, "Are you saying you wouldn't?"

Sirius stepped away then and took a deep breath. "I would die first." He said. Then he turned on his heel and made to walk out the back door. He heard footsteps behind him and threw up a hand, "Fine," he said over his shoulder, "use Remus. I don't care. But no one can ever say I didn't try.

Sirius flung open the back door, making much of the house shake around him and stepped outside. The air was cold on his face, a breeze lifting his hair as he headed down the steps and onto the grass. He sighed, looking out over the small yard. A fading white picket fence encompassed the area, weeds climbing up the stakes and spilling over the sides. Sirius felt an immense fatigue grip his bones, he swayed, then crouched down and put a hand to the ground, letting himself sink slowly to the bottom step. He put his hands around his head, trying to block out the sound of the wind, but all he heard were screams.

It was fine. If that's what James wanted then that was his choice. He could go with Remus if he wished; it wasn't any skin off of Sirius' nose. Maybe things wouldn't turn out as horribly as Sirius always imagined they would. "It will all be alright in the end," his grandmother used to tell him, "If it's not, then it's not the end."

"Sirius?"

He turned, standing up, putting his hands in his pockets and scowling up at James who stood on the landing, holding the door slightly open behind him. "What?"

James sighed, his shoulders falling in defeat. "Ok," he said after a moment, "Maybe you're right. No one would ever look for Peter. Maybe we should use him."

Sirius smiled in spite of himself, maybe he hadn't been wrong after all. "Really?" He asked.

"Yeah," said James, shifting uneasily, "If you really don't want to do it that is."

Sirius shook his head, gaze dropping to his feet, "No. No I don't."

"Ok, then we'll use Peter. If we can find him that is."

Sirius' grin widened, looking back up at his friends face, "Thanks James. And it'll work out. I swear."

"I'm sure it will."

James waved an uneasy goodbye to Sirius and went back inside, the door clicking shut behind him. Sirius turned back to the yard, a laugh leaving his lips. Maybe it was a good idea after all. And maybe everything _would_ be alright.


End file.
